i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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