honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
