I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Randomize
