As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize
