He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
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