i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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