There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Randomize
