So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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