yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
