I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
