You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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