Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
