3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Randomize
