I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
He has the fingertips of a God
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
