i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
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