Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Randomize
