??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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