Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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