have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
