I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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