I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I need water and some morals
Randomize
