mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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