Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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