I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
