The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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