I'm going to jail i love you
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
