I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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