I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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