My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Randomize
