I was born with a shot glass in my hand
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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