He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
We need a shit load of segways right now
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize