Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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