Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
