i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
This is classic penis vs brain.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
