I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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