I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
