We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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