At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
