my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
