Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
