I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I have already put on my inside pants.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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