I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
