You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
