I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Randomize
