So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Randomize
