meet me or not, i'm out of control
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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