The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Randomize
