What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
