New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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