i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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