I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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