I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
