First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
