Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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