he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
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