The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Randomize
