I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
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