those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
