I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
