he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
