that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I can't put those talents on a resume
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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