I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Also, beer. Big fan.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
